when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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