hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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