I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Blood and glitter go together right?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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