I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
