OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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