He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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