Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
