if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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