hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
