My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
