Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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