I think my fart just growled at me.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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