I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I am midnight drunk by noon
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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