Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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