I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just cut my nipple shaving
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
