I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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