FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
