two words: eviction party
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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