Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
