So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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