My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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