So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
