please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
