i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Hippo gnu deer
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize