The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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