Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I will pee on everything he values.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize