that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Randomize
