The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
