Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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