Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
