Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
