i already hear my dad disowning me
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
