she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
pop tarts are not kleenex
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
