If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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