im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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