I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
