alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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