LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
