In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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