Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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