Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize