SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
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