it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
