Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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