The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
