Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
