if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Only a mothe r could love this liver
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
