so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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