you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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