I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
