his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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