I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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