i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize