those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
