Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
