Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
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