The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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