two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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