Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
