My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
