i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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