SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
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