I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
