you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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